Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Crazy ramblings from a rested heart

It's been a quick trip up north. If you know me I'm not one who likes to drive a whole lot. Driven approximately 7 hours in about 30 hours is not necessarily my cup of tea.

But I will tell you. It was worth every minute of the drive every drop of gasoline.

When I come home from Haiti my heart, aches. This last trip was no different.  I love the country, the people, the craziness of degache (basically just go with it). 

I can be surrounded by people and feel completely lonely. I don't really get the time to unwind (which I'm trying to schedule in for my next trip). I come back from Haiti and hit the ground running, it's the way life is for me.  This weekend a friend from Haiti was supposed to come up to see buckley friends with me but unfortunately (for good reasons) he had to cancel and I almost cancelled too. I decided to come anyway. I was going to stay home but decided to come up anyway.

I was greeted when I got here by an overwhelming hug. One  my heart so desperately needed. And from then on it was time in the kitchen, lots of snacking, lots more hugs, relaxing (I was so relaxed I almost fell asleep talking), bonfires, talking about Haiti, talking about lots of things with people who are authentic and real. There isn't any trying to put on a show up here. They love me even though I'm not really a small town girl and I love them because they are. Life is simple up here, love God love people. (And I'm not saying that at home people don't love God and people I'm just describing here).

My heart needed to slow down more than I could have ever known. It needed to be surrounded by people who just love me for who God created me to be, loving, not thinking I'm great because I'm doing something for them.  

I had hoped that my quiet time driving would result in some answers in direction of where God wants me to serve. There has been some Crazy news that I found out about on my way here (I think my life may never be the same - I'm not sure how I didn't cry until after I got off the phone). Which resulted in some of my answers of where God wants me. I also feel like a lot of direction came  directly from God, yet still a lot of things that are unanswered.  Maybe I'll hear more direction on my way home. It's still going to be a month of quiet and seeking.  I feel like I'm in the dark about a lot of things but His light is my path and I will follow it with complete reliance on Him.

I'm thankful for the last 24 hours or so. More grateful than I ever thought I could be. In Haiti we often thanked God for simple things, today, I thank Him for this time and the privilege to love Him and His people. 

This passage blew me away yesterday. Open your heart and let it speak to you

As they were talking about these things, Jesus himself stood among them, and said to them, “Peace to you!” But they were startled and frightened and thought they saw a spirit. And he said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have.” And when he had said this, he showed them his hands and his feet. And while they still disbelieved for joy and were marveling, he said to them, “Have you anything here to eat?”

and he took it and ate before them. Then he said to them, “These are my words that I spoke to you while I was still with you, that everything written about me in the Law of Moses and the Prophets and the Psalms must be fulfilled.” Then he opened their minds to understand the Scriptures, and said to them, “Thus it is written, that the Christ should suffer and on the third day rise from the dead, and that repentance and forgiveness of sins should be proclaimed in his name to all nations, beginning from Jerusalem.

And behold, I am sending the promise of my Father upon you. But stay in the city until you are clothed with power from on high.” (Luke 24:36-41, 43-47, 49 ESV)

Thursday, July 24, 2014

shooting stars

There is a song that goes “catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day”

When I was in Haiti I saw my first shooting star.  Haiti is full of everyday miracles, but the fact that I was even awake for such a beautiful sight was a miracle in itself.  It was just one, but it was cooler than some fireworks I have seen.  I didn’t know if I was supposed to make a wish on it, or if I should just stand in amazement.  I just sat there in amazement.

Yesterday while sitting on my porch, on the phone, dreaming about Haiti, I saw another one.

It’s been a rough transition to come home.  It always is.

Thankfully I was able to talk to some people about Haiti last night, but that reminder of a shooting star did my heart such good. 

Yesterday I watched another team head off to the country that I love.  I cried about 6 times yesterday missing Haiti, missing the people, thinking back on the experiences, and later in the night sat down with some people I know and talked about being there.  And then spent some alone time with my friend, Amanda.  It was a good night, a reminder that God is good.  A reminder that He has us right where He wants us to grow in Him, to love Him, to cling to Him. 

Yesterday reminded me to trust the process, to feel through things, to trust what He has next, to know that I am where I am supposed to be.   To work hard to become all that He has for me to be.  It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it!

I’m excited about what the future holds, and soon I will be saying “see He worked it all out, for His good” (Romans 8:28), I am excited to trust the process in which He has for me to go.
I’m walking in the light…

Psalm 119:105-6
105 Your word is a lamp for my feet,
    a light on my path.
106 I have taken an oath and confirmed it,
    that I will follow your righteous laws.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


Everyday I wake up around 2am and I can't figure out where I am. The other day I actually got out of bed in a panic, where is my team? I had been dreaming we were all together and woke up alone. 

I have all these feelings inside and don't know how to express them, and I can't seem to trust myself to let them out. I feel surrounded by people who love me and completely alone. 

I really do want to cry every minute. I try not to laugh too hard because it will soon turn to tears.

I am afraid to ask tough questions for fear of the answers, even though i know I'm the one who needs to ask.

I feel completely in love and completely heartbroken at the same time.

I feel the longing to be a momma, even with a grown child, which is a feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. 

I feel the need to love and hug while scared to feel for the risk of love is great.

I miss Haiti. I drove around yesterday, knowing I am blessed to live here. Knowing God has me here for a reason, and I trust Him but my heart longs for the uncomfortable places, the difficult and the dirty, the vibrant and the beautiful.

I don't really know how to explain it, but to be in a place that makes me feel most like Jesus, and serving Him seems easy, a place I know I'm called.

I feel trapped because I'm not sure of what step to take first. 

All I know is this... This verse popped up in my head over and over while we were there...

Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. (1 John 3:18 ESV)

It's time to get to walking, but it's also time to stop and look to Him for direction in which way to go.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. (Psalm 119:105 ESV)

Monday, July 21, 2014

Trust and simplicity

There is a saying that if you want milk you just can’t sit in the field and wait for the cow to come to you.  And honestly I’ve lived most of my life that way.  Want something?  Go get it.

And I am always busy.  And this month, I am going to take it easy.  Going to prepare my heart for my next trip and what God has up His sleeve.   Normally I would be trying to do a bunch of things to make it happen, try to figure out what God has planned.  And let’s face it trying to get one step ahead of Him.

I am going to trust Him.  I am going slow down, listen, be still.  I am not sure what's the plan, but i know the Planner.  I know that whatever He has planned is better than anything i could possibly come up with on my own.  And I have to learn to trust that and the process He wants me to go through, and it might be painful and times, but totally worth it.

I have a few things I am signed up to complete for the rest of July and August but I am going to be practicing my Haitian “no”. 

Life is about to get simpler.  Rice and Beans and time with God.  It really does sound glorious, doesn’t it?

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Love from Haiti

It's my last morning in Haiti. 

I can't put into words what I'm feeling.

I'm excited to see my girl, but already missing here. I'm excited to see what God has in store for "what's next" but I'm not looking forward to moving at the speed of light.

I am going to miss...

late night conversations and creole lessons 
Yucky honey candy 
Cold toros 
Rice & beans
Rice and bean sauce so good I moaned with delight 
Spaghetti for breakfast
Boiled eggs with hot sauce
Yummy hot dogs
Yummy fruit candy
Haitian cards
Sweet faces 
My poppy pants team
Sappy music
James brown impersonations 
Laughing til I snort
Fresh mango 
Sweet voices
He has not died, He is alive
Sweet smiles
Speaking love
Living love
Great conversations 
Open hearts
Having people correct my terrible pronunciation.
Perfect blue skies
Rooftop sleeping 
Being cold in Haiti 
Warm water
Watching little rascals in French 
Sweating on tiles
Chicken feet (dirty feet)
Little dresses 
No make up
2 birds in a tree, near the beach on boat.
Flip flops
Hot cement
Psalm 23
Feeling beautiful with no make up 
Refreshing Bucket baths
Sweet time in the bible
Medical exams 
Solid glue
Learning about Jesus
Bible lessons every night
Armor of God
Melty crayons
Marker tops on the wrong markers
Matching games 
Puzzles with missing pieces 
Sweeping over and over
Purple cleaner 

33 more days

Saturday, July 19, 2014

It's coming to an end :(

As our time  at the orphanage winds down it always proves challenging. I think that my heart breaks a little more each time and somehow God fills in those cracks and makes His love deeper and stronger than before. Only God can take something broken and and make it completely beautiful.

It's been one of the best trips we've had and probably most challenging for me. In years past we've crammed days full of stuff. And this year based on past years feedback I cut that way back which is about the complete of my personality. It's proven very challenging for people who have that same personality as me when I'm home. There is something about being in Haiti that i lose that part of me when I get on the airplane, and it is the best thing I could lose.

We've spent lots of fun times just spending time with the kids! Haitian cards, a lot of us learning how to play dominoes for the first time, basketball, futbol, coloring, but also talking about the armor of God.

I love it here. I don't know how  something that is so far out of my comfort zone can be so amazing. Even though I'm a total jeans and tshirt girl, I do love doing my hair and putting on nice clothes or going to have a nice dinner. And I hate having dirty feet or really even being dirty at all. But here, I'm thankful for the dirt. If it's on my shins it means that I was able to get water for the kids or for showers. It's God's provision. If I'm sweaty it means I'm with the people I love most in the world. 
I learned lots of new words when I was here this time, I actually stayed up late learning creole a couple nights but one night I was ridiculously tired so I am not sure how much of it I will remember ... But each time I'll get better.

We are off to debrief today. It's gonna be a rough day/night.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Most like myself

It's a crazy thing when I'm in Haiti. I feel more like the person I was meant to be.

That probably doesn't make sense but real life has closed me off from having a real life. Not being able to trust people because I'm afraid of being hurt  keeps me from really loving. Most people would be shocked to read that because i am pretty loving but just imagine that the way I am is holding back and I actually have more love to give...

Also, being relational and feeling is dangerous and leaves me vulnerable. There was a time a few months ago, all I knew I needed to do was cry. But I wouldn't. I was too busy preparing and being busy that i would not allow myself to feel.  I knew that if I started crying, I would not stop. So I didn't, and I have saved most of that "feeling" for Haiti. A safe place. 

I am kind of a touchy feely kind of person, I like to snuggle, I'd be forever smooching someone (I have told Levi and Judah I don't care when they are 15 I'll still hug and smooch them- poor kids).  I get one week at a time with these kids, and so I make the best of it.  But it's not just them, I have come to be friends with our translators.  Even when we don't have them all, I am always excited when they come to visit and just say "alo". I even forget about my own personal space. 
There is one that I have known since my first trip. Little did he know that I'd always be crying lol I think now he just comes to expect it. We find ourselves at the end of everyday talking about our day about 6 inches from each other. It's weird to me that I can trust anyone that close in my personal space. It's also weird that we can be in this very small area and not experience the same things, isn't that kind of cool?

On my last trip to Haiti I had the hardest time seeing the people in the fishing village and mountains so poor, all I wanted to do was open up and talk to him about it.  I did end up opening up to my team but it was after a long fight with myself about trusting and risking the consequences of being hurt (it was worth the risk- they are some of my most trust worthy friends). 

Haiti stretches me in ways I never knew possible. My very first trip I prayed I would love bigger than I ever thought possible, and each trip that prayer is answered louder than it was the trip before.

My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. (1 John 3:18-20 MSG)